Thanks to the release of the Mitchell Report, sales here at CleanPee have gone through the roof. We want to thank our loyal customers and reward them for being conscientious enough to prepare for their drug tests, so we've gone into our vault and dusted off a popular promotion from years passed. This sale is hot, so your urine doesn't have to be.


March 17, 2005

As Congress Investigates, CleanPee Urinates

Dear Steroid User:


As you can imagine, our phones have been ringing off the hook since the House Government Reform Committee hauled in a handful of baseball greats to grill them on steroid use within the sport. And athletes from every sport are concerned about the prospect of new legislation being passed that, as one frantic ball player told us, "could kill my career faster than O.J. killed Nicole."


Mark McGwire told the Committee that he would not name names—but really the only name you need to know is CleanPee! CleanPee guarantees a clean urine sample delivered overnight to your door. When you need to pass a urine test, CleanPee is there for you.


   Photo: ©stockxpert.com/cre8tive88 (Ryan Pike)


Every day of the week, our professional urinators are taking vitamins, following a strict organic diet, and, most importantly, staying away from the illicit drugs that could make you lose your job or violate your probation. No longer do you need to deprive yourself of the drugs you need and enjoy taking while you sweat out the threat of a drug test. Just call our CleanPee representatives, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and order a vial of urine guaranteed to pass any drug test.


Since the release of Jose Canseco's book, Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits, and How Baseball Got Big, athletes have been stocking up on vials of urine, which can be stored in your freezer and defrosted for use at any time. But CleanPee is not just for athletes—wherever there is drug testing, so is CleanPee! In fact, 9 out of 10 drug users prefer CleanPee for all of their urinalysis needs. (And what about the 10th, you ask? He foolishly decided not to invest in a clean urine sample and was sent back to prison. That'll learn him.)

   Photo: ©stockxpert.com/ljupco (Ljupco Smokovski)


In the wake of the government's decision to waste our tax dollars to conduct a public witch hunt on athletes, CleanPee has begun an exciting new offer—with every 10 vials of clean urine you purchase from CleanPee, you will receive a free DNA sample to ensure that, as Maury Povich would say, "You are not the father!". Finally, no more one-night stands and exes hitting you up for child support! As one loyal customer told CleanPee, "I was already paying child support to 3 women, so you can imagine how irate I became when I found out yet another one was demanding a DNA test. I didn't want to be put in the unsavory position of having to kill this woman, so I called the great folks at CleanPee for help. Within 24 hours, I had a DNA sample to give the court. Next thing I knew, that [censored] was off my back. Thanks, CleanPee!"

So, don't delay—our free DNA sample offer will only be available for a limited time. Call CleanPee today and get everybody off your back once and for all!


Happy Testing,

The CleanPee Team


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